twists, turns and inconsistency

“I’m itching to get you out of my life, Mark. Don’t you realize that? You can’t just show up anytime  and make me feel like the happiness I need lies in the corners of your smile and burst like a bubble when you’re not in the mood and forget me like I’m not even part of your life. You’re not my Prince Charming nor are you my Knight in Shining Armor – I’m no damsel nor am I in distress and clearly, I don’t need your saving.”  

That was it.

That was the end of whatever we had – pretty much the end of it all.

But I guess I thought wrong because no, we weren’t done yet, feelings of relief and guilt dawned on me and I don’t know how that’s even possible but I felt relieved because I was able to get rid of him and well, guilty because I guess I was a bit – no, I went way too overboard with what I told him last night but I want to believe that that was what he needed.

I saw him in the hallway the week after but he didn’t talk to me nor did he look my way. It should be better this way, I thought. When I opened my locker, I saw a small note with the most familiar penmanship I know saying; I’m sorry for all the confusion I caused you but if this changes anything, I love you. I always have, even before Enzo did. Give me one last chance, D. Meet me at the back building, 4pm. Love always, M.

I don’t know what had gotten into me but the moment my wristwatch read 3:55 pm – I caught myself running towards the back building and forgetting all the anger, the hurt and the confusion he caused me.  Because he’s right - the happiness I needed really did rest in the corners of his smile and he might have been leaving me hanging on his mixed signals but I like feeling that way. That’s the twist in our story — I liked the feeling of being uneasy and unsure. I liked the inconsistency of it all because I grew up dealing with that word — inconsistency. And because that’s what I do – I forgive people easily, no matter how much suffering they have caused me.

He stood there, with three roses in his hand and may I recall the last few words he whispered in my ears when I fell in the solace of his arms.

Falling, yes I am falling. And she keeps calling me back again.  

And yes, that was it – the start of it all. 

Escape (v): to break free from confinement or control.

The lights dimmed. The doors opened and closed as people walked in. The music started to intensify. The atmosphere reeked of smoke and alcohol. The people were slowly loosing themselves to tequilas and margaritas. The place was full of people – living different lives, having different problems and suffering different depressions but they all shared one thing: they were all human.

Megan was manic-depressive and even the littlest and simplest things made her sad, her heart was very fragile so when her Dad, her only source of strength, left them, the first thing she wanted to do was to escape.

The first time Megan saw Gabriel was the moment she walked into that place. Gabriel was a musician and she hated him for being so inclined with it because when her dad left, she started to hate music. She hated it with so much passion that she threw all of her mixed tapes and CDs, kept all of their radios in their stock room, covered their piano and to the point that she even sold her music player. But Gabriel and the music he created was different, even if  she couldn’t stand him striking a piano key, strumming a chord, beating a drumbeat or hitting a falsetto, she always opted to stay with him, because with Gabriel, albeit feeling away from the world, she felt completely safe. He was her escape.  

“You know what, Gab. No matter how much I try to hate your music, since I hate music, generally. I can’t seem to hate yours.” Megan admitted.

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” he asked.

For about two minutes, Megan sat there thinking whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. Gabriel didn’t want to make it seem like he was waiting for her answer so he decided to distract himself by tuning his black Fender guitar because his band was going to play that midnight. He was always like that, pre-occupied with music even if he had a lot of problems to face in the real world but he always had a presence of mind when it came to Megan. He always had time for her and he would do anything just to make her fall in love with music again.

“Good thing, of course.” she answered.

“Great. Meg, you can’t run away from music.” he said.

“I know. It’s silly, right? Stupid even.” she agreed.

“Well, not entirely. I’ve been there and for countless times, I tried to escape it but really, there’s something about it that draws me back in. It’s like, if I run away from it, a huge part of me vanishes and when I try to get back, little by little, the gaps created in my heart are filled and the walls I’ve created are now broken. Music is my only escape and well, it could be yours too.” he said.

“Will you help me escape, then?” she asked.

“Never thought you’d ask but sure.” he smiles. 

Gabriel grabs his guitar, connects it to an amplifier, gives Megan the stage and the microphone and finally, they perform with much harmony and grace. Together, they’re more than a beautiful melody.

Scars, fresh. Memories, still vivid. Flashbacks, very often. Tears, holding them back. Thoughts, keeping them to myself. Situation, worse. Longing, a hundred and one percent. Recovery time, no idea. 

Spell cheese.

Just like Romeo loved Juliet
You’re something I would never forget
My favorite melody, my favorite record
By far, you’re the best song I’ve ever heard

 Last stanza of a poem I wrote last 04/17/10 ♡

Phone Calls II.

I woke up to the inviting aroma of Lola’s sweetest, mouth-watering, chocolate chip pancakes and to the sound of Aly’s cutest snore. She was sleeping soundly beside Mr. Patches and I really have no idea how they managed to sneak beside me last night. I wasn’t able to finish my manuscript for Theater class because all my thoughts went down the drain since Enzo confessed and now, I’m the one who’s left with thoughts and while I was trying to get my thoughts straight, my Lola asked me to wake up my little sister.

“Aly. C’mon. You have to wake up now. Lola is calling us for breakfast already.”
“Isn’t it a Saturday, Ate?” she asked.
“Yes but you promised me we’ll go walk little Sammy to the park today.”
“Alrighty.”

Read More

Rewind, wind, wind, wind.

When I was little, I used to carry a pink notebook everywhere I went. I still have it but I can’t write there anymore cause it’s filled with scribbles, random names and stuff little girls dream of.

Seeing the notebook itself reminds me that every time I want to give up Journalism, I should always remember the little girl who always loved to write. The little girl who always believed in herself and believed that she’s up to something good. Considering the fact that I came from a broken family, I don’t know how I became so open about my feelings but I wasn’t a fan of keeping them inside either. 

Being a kid, I was a big fan of books. My grand father would usually read me a book to bed and if I’m not mistaken, he has read me the story about the Flinstones almost a hundred times. And as a kid, I adored the way he exerted feelings in each dialogue. I adored the way he acted out the book in real life. Well, of course, the book was about a happy family and he made me realize that even if I wasn’t living with Mom and Dad, he assured me that he’ll be there for me.

Books and writing played a big part in my life. Sometimes, just like everyone who reads books, books are my escape from reality. I find solace in the play of words, in the morals of the story and whenever I’m reading, it makes me feel like I’m part of it. And someday, I’d like to be labeled as a writer.

As of the moment, I have a lot to learn but you know, writing isn’t easy. I have a lot of flaws and I have yet to learn about Grammar. It’s not like Physics or Chemistry that you can learn through text books or by explanations, you have to have a strong passion for it and you have to live it.

P. S. Yes, only a few take up Journalism because they think we won’t get any job in the future. Wait til you see me on TV. :))