Mirror, mirror on the wall.

I think it’s true that sometimes, the person you are in the w.w.w. is different from who you are when you’re facing the real world. I’d like to think that it happens to everyone because it’s happening to me. 

I have a lot of flaws and there are two things I really hate about myself: me, being short-tempered and the way I speak the words out my mouth. When I’m mad (or even when I’m just explaining myself), the tone of my voice will sound like I’m like a real brat. When I speak out my words, feeling ko sobrang talino ko na mas matalino pa ako kay Einstein. I swear to God that if you hear that side of me, you’re going to hate me for real. 

For years, I have been working on those flaws of mine and I hate to say this but it has already been a part of me… and that I will always hate it. I’m still trying my best to change my ways, you know, but when the pressure + problem is in front of my face, literally, I just want to scream but of course, it shouldn’t be that way, right? 

While in this little blog of mine, you see a jolly girl who looks so nice and friendly all the time. Yes, that’s me but I don’t really show myself when I’m messed up. 

I talked about this with Mags (@supermags) last night because I instantly hated myself for talking back to Mama and since I want this blog to reflect who I really am in real life, this is me being honest.

But also, this post goes to Mama, who’s currently mad at me and won’t talk to me because I answered back at her, I’m really really sorry. I know you’re already fed up with my impatience and my being hard-headed but I’m really sorry. (And yes, she reads my blog, people.)

Sana pagising ko bukas, wala na akong nararamdaman para sayo.

Almost legal.

So.. I’m turning eighteen in less than two months.

I’m not planning to do the traditional party with the roses, treasures, candles and all that stuff. For me, I think (I think lang ha) it’s not practical. I mean, like, spending a hundred thousand on the venue, the catering, the gowns, the invitations and the photographers, I don’t think it’s worth the night. Sure, it’s going to be fun and I will feel awesome but spending a hundred thousand in one night? Nope, no thanks. 

I have decided to travel instead and I’m glad that Nono agreed. Mama, Kuya & I are planning to go to Hong Kong on my birthday. And if that happens, it’s going to be my first time to go outside the country. Originally, Nono told me to travel alone so that I’d be able to go to HK, Macau & China but since I wanted to spend it with Mama & Kuya, he only allowed us to travel to HK, which I think is okay. Aside from the fact that there’s Disneyland, I think HK’s a nice place to travel to. 

My friends have been asking me about my plans. Months ago, I told them that I might celebrate in Punta Fuego (since Tito Joey can make me rent their house there) but then I realized that I don’t want to be stressed with all the preparations and all that stuff. Of course, I would only be able to invite a few people. So I’ve decided to cancel that and just celebrate at home, simple at tamang inuman + lamon + karaoke lamang.

I think it’s going to be awesome even if its that simple. Looking forward to our HK trip! ♥

You want to know what I think?

I think life is awesome and beautiful; it is amazing despite the fact that I have to live with all the flashbacks the past gives me, that I have to deal with the people I hate and to know that I’m never good enough and you know what’s even worse?

It’s that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything to make it stop. I’m completely powerless. I can’t prevent those flashbacks from haunting me because they are a part of me and no matter how much I cry every night or how many happy faces I try pull of even when I’m really sad, it’s never going to change anything. 

What’s done is done. Life does go on with or without me. 

I wish I was someone’s favorite blog. :)

If Mom was still alive, she would be proud of me.

God, I miss her so much. 

2:58

Even before Christmas break started, I have been feeling the need of writing my first manuscript for my Creative Non-Fiction class. We were assigned to write a personal narrative about something in our lives that are ‘interesting’ and I believe I’m a million miles away from that word.

For the past few days, the topic that I chose has been killing me softly - it’s about the separation of my parents (but at the same time, it not affecting my personality or the way I live) because it’s the only thing that I think is interesting in my life. Well, aside from my hobbies, of course.

I find it hard to start with the first sentence and I don’t know why. Our professor told us not to write about something that we’re not yet ready to make others know - like for example, if you still feel anger or pain. You shouldn’t write about it. But since in my case, I’ve endured seventeen years without a complete family and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m even proud of it because not everybody who grew up in a broken family can be as jolly and cheerful as I am. And it’s awesome because my spiritual life is also balanced. I am so going to write about it — because whenever I write, a part of me feels like I’m painting little parts of a bigger picture, which is my life and in the end, when all is written and published, I think it’s going to be awesome.

I think this piece will turn out well since I have enough sources (but I lack creative juice though) and I’m hoping tomorrow (or later) when I wake up, I’d be able to start with it pronto.

You can’t make something happen just by wishing for it.

Make a move, kid.

At the end of the day, I’m afraid it’s still you.

Tired Niki is tired. Just got home from Manila, I had to shoot a panoramic night shot for my Photography plate. I’m drained. Oh and yeah, I might take a break next week - been down lately. Sarreh. Gonna rest now. Bye, guise.

Never ever judge a person if you don’t know what’s going on in his/her life.