I long for the moment when you will learn how to be yourself. ♡

Madness

Eight days ago, I finally turned twenty. Nothing special really happened and up until now, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still am happy despite being unemployed and unproductive. 

But I still cannot believe I’m already this old. 

I’m not getting any younger either.

I have big dreams of traveling the world but you know, right now, the only place I want to travel to is your mind. I really wish you were more open. ∞

in which i try to be myself real self

while i`m writing this, i`d like you to know that i do want to get better at everything.

there`s no other outlet wherein i could vent these thoughts but here. and i am confident that my God can read every word that`s written in this blog.

i may seem like i`m the holiest and most religious-bible-quoting person around here but i am not nor do i want to be called such. i have been thinking about my personal spiritual growth in Christ Jesus and man, i tell you, it`s extremely hard to be in sync with Him. i`ve been trying my best to be an example to other people but in the end, i become less of what Christ is and i adapt to whatever the world has and for a Christian who grew up inside the confines of a religious place, i am not what you expect me to be.

my deepest struggle is that i compare myself to what other`s have already attained in their faith. sure, i play keys in the praise and worship band and i used to sing but as much as i don`t want to admit this but my heart isn`t in sync with God`s and just the thought of it bothers me a lot. and one more thing, my head and my feet are up in the clouds. humility, yep, that`s another struggle. if i could just cry all these out right now, but i can`t..

i don`t like to be called holy because i do not deserve it. i don`t even deserve the grace God has been showering me with while i write this.

to end this, i`m praying that things will get better for me. i know and i am deeply hoping that God will answer my prayers. and as my life verse proclaims, “but as for me, i watch in hope for the Lord, i wait for God, my Savior, my God will hear me.”

i`m not the best person right know and i just wanted you all to know. kinda sucks for nikilosophy, right?

hoping for the best in life,
niks x

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. ☼

I was on the verge of listing all the people, places, things, events that have inspired me (because Mags insisted that I do one list since another person asked me to) but I couldn’t sum everything up in one inspiration list because I realized that they’re a lot. 

So to the person who asked me to list down my inspirations, this is what I have for you now. 

Life is my inspiration.

I’m trying to be strong for you when I can’t even be strong for myself.

That’s how much I love you.

I wish I was a better writer. 

I get attached to people too much.

And I don’t think its a good thing anymore. 

Never take anyone for granted.

11:11

For me, I think the point of True Love Waits isn’t really about waiting for somebody to knock you off your feet and closing your heart just because you made a commitment that you’d be waiting for x years and all that stuff. What if the right person is already there in front of you but you’re there, all boxed up with your emotions and your heart closed? 

The point of True Love Waits is more of the awareness of being pure and staying pure, physically and spiritually - until the right time comes. ♡

But despite all of these thoughts, don’t worry because I’m still happy.

Thank you, Lord, for this week. Looking forward to the coming weeks. :) 

On the 9th, it’ll be my first time spending Mother’s Day without Mom. I’m predicting that it’s going to suck, big time, because I’ll be seeing all these people, holding their mother’s hands and you’d see clearly in their eyes that they love their mothers with all their hearts… and then there’s me, sitting in the passenger’s seat, observing everyone outside, wanting and wishing I could have Mom back. I wish she was still around so I wouldn’t be thinking about these things at 12 am in the morning. 

I’d like my future relationships be like Seth and Summer’s.