in which i try to be myself real self

while i`m writing this, i`d like you to know that i do want to get better at everything.

there`s no other outlet wherein i could vent these thoughts but here. and i am confident that my God can read every word that`s written in this blog.

i may seem like i`m the holiest and most religious-bible-quoting person around here but i am not nor do i want to be called such. i have been thinking about my personal spiritual growth in Christ Jesus and man, i tell you, it`s extremely hard to be in sync with Him. i`ve been trying my best to be an example to other people but in the end, i become less of what Christ is and i adapt to whatever the world has and for a Christian who grew up inside the confines of a religious place, i am not what you expect me to be.

my deepest struggle is that i compare myself to what other`s have already attained in their faith. sure, i play keys in the praise and worship band and i used to sing but as much as i don`t want to admit this but my heart isn`t in sync with God`s and just the thought of it bothers me a lot. and one more thing, my head and my feet are up in the clouds. humility, yep, that`s another struggle. if i could just cry all these out right now, but i can`t..

i don`t like to be called holy because i do not deserve it. i don`t even deserve the grace God has been showering me with while i write this.

to end this, i`m praying that things will get better for me. i know and i am deeply hoping that God will answer my prayers. and as my life verse proclaims, “but as for me, i watch in hope for the Lord, i wait for God, my Savior, my God will hear me.”

i`m not the best person right know and i just wanted you all to know. kinda sucks for nikilosophy, right?

hoping for the best in life,
niks x