hey mom,

• i wish you were still here today
• i wish i could have done anything to make things better
• i wish i never took you for granted
• i wish i made you feel loved when you were still around
• i wish we had more spontaneous shopping time
• i wish i recorded your voice 
• i wish i could still hug you right now
• i wish i could still sleep over at your condo & watch your favorite movie, Up, til we get sleepy and leave the dvd on
• i wish i visited you frequently 
• i wish i knew your sickness
• i wish you never kept it from us
• i wish you could have met harold - he’s such an amazing boy & i bet you’d like him cause you like funny people, that’s one of the many things we have in common
• i wish i could remember all the happy moments we had & forget all the ones that hurt
• i wish i was a better daughter for you
• i wish i could hear you sing with your husky voice
• i wish i could still take photographs of you
• i wish to see you smile again
• i wish you could see me graduate
• i wish i could turn back time
• i wish i could cry all these feelings
• i wish, i wish

Scars, healed. Memories, still there. Flashbacks, sometimes. Tears, already dry. Thoughts, happy ones are here. Situation, better. Longing, still a hundred and one percent. Recovery time, all in God’s time… but I’m so much better now. 

Always and forever x

17 January 2011

Mommy, 

I love you more than you’ll ever know. And from now on, I will do my best to make you proud. I know I wasn’t the best daughter for you and I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. It breaks my heart knowing that you’re gone… and you’re never coming back. 

I love you, Mommy. And I will miss you everyday. 

Forever your only girl,
Dominique 

I wrote this in my journal during the eve of my mom’s death. I was still in shock, trying to be in denial but I ended up accepting things as they were. I still miss her and the wounds are still painful when I remember but I’m not sad. Just glad I got through all of this. Thanking my Lord, my friends and family - for the love they’re still giving.

Right now, I’m happy. These events have made me stronger, braver even. ☺

Never take anyone for granted.

Mom was right when she always reminded me that when I put my heart into something that I would love to finish, I could finish it in no time. I miss her and her optimism. ♥  ♫

It’s never easy. It will never be.

This is, by far, the hardest battle I’ve ever experienced. 

For six months, I kept on telling myself that I have completely gotten over my Mom’s death and I know its so stupid but tonight, I realized that I can’t and I will never get over her. There will always be a part of me that will long for her and as much as I don’t want to feel that longing anymore, it will always be there. My Mom, no matter how gullible she was when she was still alive, she was my favorite cheerleader. And when I lost her, I promised myself that I can cheer up myself but I don’t think I can right now. I’m always good at making other people feel good about themselves but when it comes to my own feelings, I’m so messed up. 

And yes, I know, I’m usually the one who would pray about things that are messed up. I did and for a moment, I felt good but I can’t seem to stop crying. The more I try to box up my emotions and smile, the pain gets heavier and heavier. 

God, help. 

Dear Mom,

Its funny how I think of you every time I’m so happy and I end up crying because of the flashbacks that haunt me right after remembering you. My wounds are still fresh and yes, I still look back at our sweet and cute conversations at Facebook. I don’t even know why I’m writing this but I want you to know that I’m happy and sad. I don’t know how that’s even possible but yeah, happy and sad. Oh yeah, that sounds so Perks of Being a Wallflower-ish. 

I think about you in the most random moments and there are times when reality slaps me in the face and makes me realize that you’re gone and you’re never coming back. I still long for you voice, your kisses and your tight hugs; the way you call me in the middle of my classes and the way you insist that my name is in French and also the way you sing karaoke even if you can’t really reach the right notes. 

At times, I try to make up scenarios in my head and I try to look back on the day when you wanted to see me and Kuya because you were confined at the hospital. I keep on thinking about what could have happened if I was beside you when your heart rate went to a flat line - I could have held your hand when the doctors were reviving your heart or I could have sat beside you if that could ease the pain. I know I could have done something. Life never was easy for our family but in the latter years, I know that the love you made Kuya & I feel was genuine. 

I wish I could turn back time but I can’t. I miss you every day. :( 

Forever your only girl,
Dominique 

Almost five months now.

God knows how much I long for Mom’s husky voice and her sweetness. I can’t believe its almost five months - I can’t believe its that long already… it feels like forever and I miss her so bad.

God, I’m terrible at keeping my feelings. I just wanted to let this out. Sorry. :( 

On the 9th, it’ll be my first time spending Mother’s Day without Mom. I’m predicting that it’s going to suck, big time, because I’ll be seeing all these people, holding their mother’s hands and you’d see clearly in their eyes that they love their mothers with all their hearts… and then there’s me, sitting in the passenger’s seat, observing everyone outside, wanting and wishing I could have Mom back. I wish she was still around so I wouldn’t be thinking about these things at 12 am in the morning.