twists, turns and inconsistency
“I’m itching to get you out of my life, Mark. Don’t you realize that? You can’t just show up anytime and make me feel like the happiness I need lies in the corners of your smile and burst like a bubble when you’re not in the mood and forget me like I’m not even part of your life. You’re not my Prince Charming nor are you my Knight in Shining Armor – I’m no damsel nor am I in distress and clearly, I don’t need your saving.”
That was it.
That was the end of whatever we had – pretty much the end of it all.
But I guess I thought wrong because no, we weren’t done yet, feelings of relief and guilt dawned on me and I don’t know how that’s even possible but I felt relieved because I was able to get rid of him and well, guilty because I guess I was a bit – no, I went way too overboard with what I told him last night but I want to believe that that was what he needed.
I saw him in the hallway the week after but he didn’t talk to me nor did he look my way. It should be better this way, I thought. When I opened my locker, I saw a small note with the most familiar penmanship I know saying; I’m sorry for all the confusion I caused you but if this changes anything, I love you. I always have, even before Enzo did. Give me one last chance, D. Meet me at the back building, 4pm. Love always, M.
I don’t know what had gotten into me but the moment my wristwatch read 3:55 pm – I caught myself running towards the back building and forgetting all the anger, the hurt and the confusion he caused me. Because he’s right - the happiness I needed really did rest in the corners of his smile and he might have been leaving me hanging on his mixed signals but I like feeling that way. That’s the twist in our story — I liked the feeling of being uneasy and unsure. I liked the inconsistency of it all because I grew up dealing with that word — inconsistency. And because that’s what I do – I forgive people easily, no matter how much suffering they have caused me.
He stood there, with three roses in his hand and may I recall the last few words he whispered in my ears when I fell in the solace of his arms.
Falling, yes I am falling. And she keeps calling me back again.
And yes, that was it – the start of it all.
With God’s grace, even the most damaged relationships can be restored.
God’s ultimate concern with your life is not where you’ve been, but where you are going.
If praise is like perfume,
I’ll lavish mine on You.
Til every drop is gone,
I’ll pour my love on You.
Now, this is waking up and knowing that you’re worth something.
Today, I’m reminded of how powerful God is.
I’ve stumbled across a lot of verses today but for the past few months, there’s this verse, rather, a chapter in the book of Psalm that’s been constantly helping me get through all the trials and obstacles life has been throwing at my face.
Some of you know, well, I think almost all the people who read my blog know that I’ve lost someone so important to me at the start of 2011 and for numerous times now, I realized that everything has made me stronger. At the start of 2011, I was a weak and fragile little girl - I was helpless and I had a lot of insecurities. Clearly, my life online is different from the life I had offline. Though, I wasn’t sugar-coating anything here in this blog but if you knew me in real life, you’d see the difference. I’m not always in my happy self - I get down and depressed, too. And for the past months since January, I’ve been on this roller coaster ride full of mixed emotions.
Psalm 46. This chapter never fails to remind me of how powerful God is - that no matter how many trials, obstacles or deaths attack me, they can’t and will never be able to bring me down because I have God and he’s stronger and greater than any storm I will and I might face in the coming years.
The verse reminded me of how weak and fragile I was because I was depending on my own strength rather than relying on Jesus and trusting Him with all my heart. Honestly, I was never this passionate with God before and I never thought I’d come to this point. I’m actually glad because I’ve been having a lot of realizations since I became active in church again. I know, this will come off as a shock to some of you but do you know how it feels to be on fire and high with God? It feels great. Really, it does feel great.
And there has been a lot of changes in my life now. Less cursing, less bad thoughts - although I know change can’t be overnight and that there will be some instances where bad things come out of my mouth but I believe that as I grow with Him, I’ll turn into a better person.
I can’t believe I actually teared up a bit during my personal devotion. Because truly, God really is the strength of my heart. Forever indeed. ♡
Good morning, lovelies! TAsk me anything! I’d love to talk later when my classes are done. :)