twists, turns and inconsistency

“I’m itching to get you out of my life, Mark. Don’t you realize that? You can’t just show up anytime  and make me feel like the happiness I need lies in the corners of your smile and burst like a bubble when you’re not in the mood and forget me like I’m not even part of your life. You’re not my Prince Charming nor are you my Knight in Shining Armor – I’m no damsel nor am I in distress and clearly, I don’t need your saving.”  

That was it.

That was the end of whatever we had – pretty much the end of it all.

But I guess I thought wrong because no, we weren’t done yet, feelings of relief and guilt dawned on me and I don’t know how that’s even possible but I felt relieved because I was able to get rid of him and well, guilty because I guess I was a bit – no, I went way too overboard with what I told him last night but I want to believe that that was what he needed.

I saw him in the hallway the week after but he didn’t talk to me nor did he look my way. It should be better this way, I thought. When I opened my locker, I saw a small note with the most familiar penmanship I know saying; I’m sorry for all the confusion I caused you but if this changes anything, I love you. I always have, even before Enzo did. Give me one last chance, D. Meet me at the back building, 4pm. Love always, M.

I don’t know what had gotten into me but the moment my wristwatch read 3:55 pm – I caught myself running towards the back building and forgetting all the anger, the hurt and the confusion he caused me.  Because he’s right - the happiness I needed really did rest in the corners of his smile and he might have been leaving me hanging on his mixed signals but I like feeling that way. That’s the twist in our story — I liked the feeling of being uneasy and unsure. I liked the inconsistency of it all because I grew up dealing with that word — inconsistency. And because that’s what I do – I forgive people easily, no matter how much suffering they have caused me.

He stood there, with three roses in his hand and may I recall the last few words he whispered in my ears when I fell in the solace of his arms.

Falling, yes I am falling. And she keeps calling me back again.  

And yes, that was it – the start of it all.